I realized today that I actually have fears. It feels humanizing, which is at once both relieving and horrifying.

I decided to do the one thing I've never done: I wrote a "diary" about my fears. I hate that it exists, because since it exists, there's a chance people can read it. There's a chance they can see it and judge me and become disgusted and announce my secrets to the world. That's why I never write down anything important... So it won't come around to bite me in the butt one day.

But I feel so relieved. I don't know what to do with this file. Half of me wants to share it in the hopes that I'll liberate myself from these fears, but at the same time... That is my fear. It's all very confusing. I'm not sure people would be able to read my honesty without eye rolls... That's the only social anxiety I've ever encountered. Being judged or shunned in these special instances I've written about. Well, once reason for it all, but... it involves a number of things.

But hopefully this has granted me the clarity I've been seeking for the last several years... I'd be delighted to be rid of the looming something that fogged my brain.

Still no time for replies, but I love you and will get to you soon. This will probably be the last journal entry before my subby runs out... I need to think of how I'm going to add on to it.